I slept with the enemy. It’s something I did for years and looking back now, I can’t say I did it because it made me feel good. I was just addicted to doing it. At one point I remember feeling like a fiend needing a good hit. I loved the high of knowing I wouldn’t be in a low place even if it was only temporary. I knew what I was getting, and I didn’t have to worry about being surprised or feeling unsatisfied. It wasn’t necessarily what I wanted, but it was something, so I still continued to do it. In a sick sense, I enjoyed it because I felt a comfort in knowing I had support, even if it was from my adversary…BUT before you begin judging me for publishing the intimate details of my bedroom, keep reading…
I developed the habit of sleeping with the enemy because I was looking for the people I was in intimate relationships with to fill emotional voids I had in my life. I wanted to feel supported and to have the assurance someone was in my corner at all times. When I didn’t feel that, I felt repressed. I wanted to feel loved and appreciated all the time, and when I didn’t, I felt unloved and unwanted. I wanted someone who I could trust with my heart, that I was able to talk to all the time, but when I was betrayed, I felt broken and as if I was falling apart on the inside. I was empty, and the only thing that seemed to make me feel good was to be intimate with the enemy…all the time! So much so I started justifying my actions: “I’m not being used…I do love myself…I have to.” It felt better to feel repressed, unloved, unwanted, betrayed and broken. I thought sleeping with the enemy was my answer until I found out what was really going on.
I remember waking up one morning to the closing of a television program, and the only thing I was able to hear the host say was her last three words, and then the credits began to roll. She said…GOD LOVES YOU! It was one of those defining moments when I knew only God could have set it up for me to wake up at just the right time, the television be on the right channel, and I hear the very thing I needed to hear on that day, that would change my life forever! I knew God loved me but it didn’t become real to me until that day while I was lying in my bed. I meditated on those three words…God loves ME…God loves ME…God loves ME. It became apparent to me what I had to do because He loved me. I went where God was, within me, to my secret place, my intimate place: my heart. I identified every threat to what God said I was, what I eternally possessed, and what I was entitled to, and it was there that I found my enemy. My enemy: repression, lack of love, abandonment, betrayal, brokenness, and deceit; knew exactly who I was, and because I did not fear him, he took over my life. I was allowing myself to be played! God is not intimated by the enemy and because light and dark cannot live together, my enemy had to go! Once I understood intimacy is internal, I knew love, trust, peace, appreciation, support, and positive attention had to come from within me first, before it would be reciprocated unto me. I had to see my heart, soul, and spirit as my intimate place before I began to love, honor, and protect it. I looked at my intimate place as I do my bedroom; I would never allow the enemy into it and I definitely would never sleep with him, it, or them…NEVER! There’s no question about it! That was the turning point for me, in loving me!
I believe there’s a time in every woman’s (man’s) life that we enter into relationships looking for a void to be filled by someone else. The beginning stages of the relationship feel great emotionally, and then after a while the voids resurface, and we begin to feel it.
Why does that happen?
It happens because that which you are seeking is not being nurtured within, and when you look for someone else to fill it for you, you open the door for the enemy to step in, because you’ve exposed a weakness within yourself, giving him power over you. Loving you, from your intimate place first, alleviates emotional voids and is not only felt and appreciated by you, but everyone else you enter into relationship with.
I encourage you to go within, to your secret place, your intimate place: your heart and nurture the love that God has placed within you and within us all!!
Love & Peace to YOU!!
Does this post speak to you? If so, please share how, I would love to know!
POWERFUL…REAL…MOVING…It brings to mind Psalms, If it had not been for the LORD on my side; where would I be (HEY,.. PRAISE DANCE!)I tell you this is a encouraging word. Thank you. Look forward to your next one. The LORD says we overcome by our testimony. I send forth blessings to you and yours!
Thank you so much for commenting. To God be the glory in and for all things! Thank you, God Bless YOU!
Its good to see another rare honest writer. I just stumbled on this page while I was searching for articles I wrote for http://thesolaceplace.com/. Wish I had invested the effort in hands and hearts like yours. I have had this experience of God’s love driving out the enemy that eats deep into our closets and beds and my! It has not been an easy journey but God is helping me. Keep this good work going.
Bless you Creativeriterz! Thank you for commenting. Be encouraged in knowing that your faith and good works will not fail you. I appreciate your encouragement!