I want Love. It’s one of the gifts I received at birth, and from that time, I lost it. I gave it away to the wrong people and things and it became tainted. It didn’t feel the same and my heart began to change. It was bruised, cracked in some places, and in others, completely broken. I put up a smile where it was bruised, a fence where it was cracked, and a brick wall where it was broken. Nobody, and I do mean nobody, was getting in those areas to do any more damage!
With no love and my heart surviving on half a beat, I began to lose my joy and then my peace went right along with it. *HaaHaa* Funny thing about love right?! “They” say nothing in this life is free; I started to see for myself how true that saying really was. My gift of love from God was not free at all…at least that’s what I thought at the time. It costs me a few things that I gave away in the name of love. I knew I could never get those things back because they were irreplaceable, and some were even intangible-like my feelings. My self-worth, care, and concern for others and myself left too! I developed feelings of loneliness and jealousy. I wondered where my love was. I tried to get it back, but it must have been too late because all I got in return was lust, temporary thrills, and lies. Each day ended with me feeling the same way I did prior to listening to the empty “I love you too’s,” receiving the selfish kiss, and the meaningless time. I was done with love and there wasn’t anything anybody could do or say to change my mind!
I made up in my mind that because I didn’t need love to survive, I wasn’t going to worry about it or pursue it any more. I was good…at least that’s what I thought! I started to realize I was becoming a different person. I was cold and it was as if life was leaving my body. I didn’t know what was happening. My joy felt empty and the things that used to make me happy didn’t any more. I was dying! It was one of the most painful deaths one could ever experience while living. I was jealous of everyone who had love because I felt I didn’t have it. I would wake up each morning because I had to. I took care of the business of my day out of necessity and routine; all while wishing I was thriving with hope for the dreams I was working so hard to accomplish, being able to experience the joy a new day brings, and living the love God gave for life…now that’s living!
It took me observing nature one day to realize I am love. I saw the birds flying and singing, I saw the trees standing tall, and the sun shining bright. I observed children laughing and playing. I realized love was everywhere and all around me. God is love and because God lives in me, not only am I love, but I had love too! That was an awesome concept for me to grasp! It was through years of brokenness, heartache, pain, and feeling empty that I learned loving myself means that I have to let go of some things and people who were making my life toxic to fully experience my love, give it, and receive it. I learned to look at letting go of the toxins in my life as giving my heart, mind, and spirit time to detox before I began to establish new relationships and connect to new things, rituals, ways of life, and operate from a renewed mind. I learned that I may have to be alone sometimes, but that didn’t mean I would be lonely.
I had to work on making ME healthy. I had to build myself up through imparting the word of God and positive affirmations into my mind and spirit daily. I had to Love myself. I had to acknowledge who I was according to what God declares me to be. I became cognizant of the good within me and began to ask God to give me discernment on whom to share the true essence of ME with because not everybody is ready for ME or knows how to treat (my) love. I gained an appreciation of all things, for God is love and therefore I am too!
So many times (especially as women) we look for love and fulfillment from others and we find ourselves in situations where the “love” we are seeking is not satisfying because essentially, it’s not love at all. Instead it’s a counterfeit we accept to fill voids in our lives, which only leads to us becoming toxic. At first it feels good because we want it so bad, but then we begin to notice something isn’t quite right about this so-called love we think we have. We wonder why it begins to hurt, why it becomes so needy, and then feels familiar to any and every thing that defines the opposite of love-an enemy. God is love and any and every thing contrary to Him is your enemy. The ability to identify and then eliminate an enemy from your life takes courage, prayer, and strength, BUT with God all things are possible!
My prayer for you today is that this blog post speaks to you, that you identify everything toxic in your life, and that God give you the courage and strength to dispel every enemy in your life and replace it with love! Amen.
Blessings, Love, Joy, and Peace to YOU!
Scripture references:
“Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” Matthew 19:26
“Do not owe anyone anything, except to love one another, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. “ Romans 13:8
My Solace Place 