When I think about my awareness of who I am today, I am so grateful for every experience I lived thru that has helped me to heal, grow and evolve over the past ten years!
At my lowest, I couldn’t say I needed me… I didn’t even know who I was. I was so busy trying to be the daughter, friend, sister, wife, mother and professional businesswoman everyone needed me to be, that I lost myself in being everything to everyone, except me. I knew “I” was present somewhere deep down in my soul. I also knew if I decided to do the work it would take to get to me; I would lose some things and people. I didn’t need me that bad, and “starting over” was not worth losing every thing and every one I had grown to know as my life, so I stayed in the toxic cycles of dysfunction that I lived in every day until they broke me.
When I think back to that time in my life, I can’t really say I was living. Surviving would be more accurate. I was so numb from all the pain I had bottled up within me like a time capsule, that literally nothing seemed to bother me. I had no emotional response to any thing or any one. My spirit was lifeless, I had no will to live and my joy for living was obsolete. It had been so long since I felt joy, I forgot what it felt like to smile from my heart. The day I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself, because I looked like every vibe of dysfunction and negativity I was absorbing, was the day that all changed, and I knew I needed to make 1 decision: to live or die. I was already having thoughts of leaving life altogether. I also knew if I continued my life as I were, I would die prematurely, because my soul was so wounded.
I chose to live… for my children.
I was tired of being tired and in so much emotional pain. I wanted my life to change. I wanted my heart to be happy, and I wanted to be free. I started making changes to the physical aspects of my life… new car, new job, new friends and even contemplating leaving my toxic marriage, but even then although I had a little more happiness, I still didn’t have the joy, freedom, peace and faith I needed to thrive in life. It was at that point I realized I had to do some major healing work on the inside, within me- in my spirit, mind, emotions and soul that would also benefit my physical body.
I became aware that my desire to be accepted and loved only increased lack in my life, because I wasn’t being fulfilled from within. My insecurities left me with needs that weren’t being satisfied, and I was breaking my own heart and wounding my own soul daily, seeking validation and love from the people in my life who were also broken. When I began my healing journey, I noticed I had 5 needs in particular…
The Need to Explain Myself.
When I decided to live, I realized I also had to make some hard decisions. I knew what I needed to do, but I wasn’t making any moves, because I feared so much what others would say, even though it was my life, and my decisions would have no direct affect on them. I played out every possible scenario in my head, trying to come up with a viable defense to support my decision to live. I was so consumed with the fear-filled thoughts of loss and rejection that they paralyzed my ability to move forward.
I prayed for help on what I should do even though I already knew. I just needed the courage and strength to do it. I didn’t have the mind to ask God, so my angels intervened and my circumstances began to change, which caused the universe to conspire with me, to urge me to make the decisions the would ultimately support me in thriving in every aspect of my life, and just as I feared, as soon as I started making moves, “they” had something to say. At first I would respond to the comments, questions and nonsense, but when I realized I didn’t owe anyone an explanation for the decisions I was making concerning my life, I stopped. At that point, I was tired of the negative vibes, so I stopped giving care to what “they” thought about me and I focused on the well-being of my children and me.
From those experiences alone, I learned there will always be someone who feels entitled to have access to the heart of my life, and if their motives do not match the vibrations of genuine care and concern for the well-being of my heart and those of my children, then I don’t owe them an explanation about anything… period. I don’t have to validate my why to anyone. My healing and growth will speak for me.
The Need to Fit In.
One of my greatest fears about healing was I wouldn’t fit into the world comfortably. I already felt all-alone in the world, even within the relationship that was most important to me at the time- my marriage, so I accepted a lot of toxic behavior and bad vibes as a result, just to fit in to avoid being alone. When I made the decision to live, all of that changed. The more I healed, and began to affirm who I am; the more I was able to cultivate all of the fruit of the spirit within me (love, joy, peace, kindness, patience and faith) to own that I already have everything I need within me to thrive in the fullness of whom God created me to be in the earth. I understood I wasn’t created to fit in, and I had my own lane in the universe to be, do and create, as I remembered my divine purpose for being and learned to own it unapologetically. In deciding to live, I was also making a decision to align with my true self. That alignment didn’t mean I would be changing into a totally different woman, it simply meant I was allowing myself to release every part of me that no longer served my highest good, and as a result I would naturally attract true abundance to every aspect of my life.
Within the heart of my healing journey, there were some periods of time when I was alone, but I wasn’t lonely. Those times served to increase my awareness of ALL THINGS concerning the world around me, the people in my life and my relationships. It was in those times I went deep to do some intense soul healing. It was also in those times alone that I learned who I truly am.
The Need to be Loved.
As a child I was never taught how to love myself, or what love was so I developed my own perception of love from my parents. I observed how they treated each other, and how they treated me. As an adult, I understood the love I desired wasn’t something that came naturally just because I was “grown,” a wife and a mother. I felt like I could identify love on the basis of how someone treated me, and in return how his or her actions made me feel. I also thought that I knew how to express the love I had for others, particularly my loved ones, thru its various expressions, such as gift giving, affection (hugs & kisses) and the time, care and concern I put into doing my best to make sure they were good.
When I decided to live, I started seeking to understand this love thing on a true level, because I knew I had to in order to thrive. I accepted love was already in me, but I didn’t understand how to hone it and more importantly thrive in it. At one point I thought loving me was all about self-care, the physical attributes of hair, nails and personal shopping sprees, maybe even a trip or two, but when it was all said and done and everyone saw my new hair do, nails, shoes and handbag, I was looking for my next new pair of shoes, set of nails and handbag… it was a relentless cycle of nothing-ness!
Even in my marriage, I started to feel there was no love, but I still loved him. The numbness within me wouldn’t let me leave. On some level, I thought the dysfunction was a healthy part of my love story, but when my soul ached so much that I couldn’t take any more of the verbal, emotional and even physical abuse, I was faced with making one of the hardest decisions of my life! I didn’t know if I should go or if I should stay because religion taught me that once you’re married, you stay married. I didn’t want God to be mad at me or worse, turn His back on me and the more I thought about the two- what I now know to be falsehoods, the more I tried to comprehend how could a God that says He loves me unconditionally expect me to stay in a situation or relationship that was killing my spirit and sucking the life out of my soul?
God didn’t expect me to.
When I decided to live, I knew it was because I needed to love me first, so that I could teach my children to do the same. As I healed, I understood that love is an action, and that I first had to love myself in order for the love I desired to be reciprocated to me. I wanted the same genuine unconditional love that I gave to others, but never seemed to get in return, and it was all because I didn’t know how to love myself. Self-love was a hard lesson in accepting all of me- flaws, insecurities, fears, misunderstandings, mistakes, decisions, what I settled for, what I dismissed because I was fearful of addressing it and my brokenness. It broke my heart to leave my marriage, but it saved my soul. I knew my heart would heal… it would just take time.
In learning to love me, I understood my need for love extended to the depths of me… my emotions, my intellect, my dreams, my visions, my divine purpose and my true heart’s desires… it was much more than the physical. I began working on healing the whole me, from the inside out and I noticed how my attractions began to change. I was no longer attracting conditional love. As I continue to heal, grow and evolve I know I will also attract my king to my life, because my heart is focused on my divine purpose, and the only way he’ll be able to find me is to seek God first.
The Need to Seek Revenge.
When I decided to fight for me and I made the decision to live, I saw my life in a whole new light. I also began to see people for who they really are- actions and all, and I stopped living in the illusions of my happy life. In doing so my awareness was increased, and I also began to feel again. I understood my emotions were real. The emotions still remained from all of the years I ignored and suppressed every painful situation I endured. My heart seemed to be at peace because I was free from the chaos of an unhappy home life, but my mind couldn’t seem to comprehend the depths of the emotional pain bottled up within me, that seemed to be spewing from every inch of my inner being. I had a hard time accepting how much I made myself look like a fool for staying in situations and relationships that dishonored my heart. As if the daily beat down I was giving myself wasn’t enough, I started hearing and seeing all the comments and opinions of others concerning my life, and the decisions I was making, and it enraged me!! I couldn’t understand why I was being made out to be this crazy little black woman simply for making choices that supported my highest good in life, and most importantly for deciding to have better for my children.
Every day I was on social media looking for a fight so I could defend myself and prove I was not the problem. I started to notice how revenge was consuming me and I didn’t like the affects it was having on me. I was emotionally drained, my thoughts were filled with negativity, I had a nasty attitude with just about everyone I came in contact with and I was physically tired all the time. I focused all my energy outside of work and taking care of my children, to producing receipts for everyone who believed the lies that were being told about me. I was literally riding around with my divorce decree, copies of text messages and pictures in the trunk of my car just in case I ran into someone from the opposing camp that was trying to slander my name.
I WANTED REVENGE AND I WANTED IT NOW!!
and I also wanted to be free from the pain of my past. I couldn’t understand why “people” cared so much about my personal life when they were so un-affected by the decisions I was making. I wanted the people who hurt me the deepest to feel my pain and pay for what they did to me, because so many of their actions toward me were pure evil.
I had lost focus of my healing and the decision I made to live, and I felt it everyday. I started looking at the internal mess I made within myself. I went from being near death, to choosing to live, to being consumed-spirit, mind, soul and body with the darkness of revenge.
I didn’t like who I had become so I made an immediate decision to refocus my energy within, on my healing and well-being. I disconnected my social media accounts, I stopped responding to negativity and I asked God to heal my heart. I prayed for the strength to forgive everyone who hurt me, and I forgave them with a sincere heart. I stopped worrying about the naysayers and the opinions of others, and I focused on remembering my purpose and healing my soul. I no longer wanted revenge. I simply prayed for my peace, as well as theirs with the understanding God was fighting for me, I need only be still (be at peace, continue to go within to heal) because everyone reaps what they sow in due time. It’s a universal law that no one has the power to escape in any circumstance.
The Need to Win!
When I made the decision to live, I literally left everything I had grown to accept as my life- my marriage, physical possessions, relationships and the false pretense of this happy life I created and called me. I wanted to prove EVERYBODY wrong who had ANYTHING to say about the decisions I was making. I was working hard every day to finish my degree, land my dream job, buy a house, save money and thrive in true joy. My motivation was to win and to appear to come out from all their criticisms unscathed, so they could see for themselves, if anyone was the victim, it was me, but look at me now! I finished my degree and that was it. God had other plans for me. It was time for me to start making intentional steps toward living my divine purpose and that’s what I did. In doing so, I stopped focusing on winning for the purpose of trying to prove a point to the people who didn’t even know me on a heart level, and I put my energy into being, doing and creating whatever it was that would cause me to thrive in my life’s purpose. The more I focused on my purpose, healing and being a mother to my children… you know the aspects of my life that truly mattered and that would cause me to thrive from a space of pure joy, abundance and peace, the more I attracted my true heart’s desires to my life. I was healing, growing and evolving into a woman I was falling in love with daily… and that woman was really me, aligning with my true self.
I had a new outlook on my life and understood all of the experiences I lived thru were simply preparing me for all the people that have and will cross paths with my ministry, as well as, this very moment in time. My new awareness of who I am and my purpose was the true win!
The 5 needs I worked on healing were real, and that work helped me to own the pure essence of me… unapologetically and void of all self-imposed judgments, fears, setbacks, internal corruption, self-sabotage, emotional blockages and lack. A great deal of needing me was understanding what I was lacking on the inside, but going outside of myself to attain in some form or another.
Every human being has 3 main emotional needs in common. One is the need to be understood. As a result, it’s not uncommon to feel the need to explain the why behind your actions and your life’s decisions. However, with everything there must be balance and understanding. If the people you are explaining yourself to don’t have the heart and the emotional maturity to embrace your vision and support you, you‘re just setting yourself up for unnecessary heartache.
Needing nothing attracts everything!
The greatest lesson I learned about me, my healing and growth was: No one can give me what I cannot give myself. I wasn’t losing any thing or any one in choosing to live. My new awareness simply helped me to understand, as I healed, all of the vibrations that were no longer serving my highest good would dissolve in my new awareness of owning I am enough. At first it did feel like I was losing vital parts of my life, but I soon understood the necessity in letting whatever and whomever wasn’t helping me to grow go, to make room for what I desired in every aspect of my life to thrive! The uncreated God, in all his infinite wisdom, gave us everything we need to thrive in life before our conception. As I affirmed who I am and nurtured the love, peace, joy, faith, patience and goodness within me, I began to be fulfilled from within and I naturally attracted its likeness to my life. I started my healing journey by choosing to live for my children, and in the process, I gained the strength to live for me!
The year 2021 is a number “5” year, which carries the universal vibration of freedom, transformational change and grace. Yes… this year is for me (and you)! When I think about what I need, I am aware that I already have everything I need within me to thrive in the fullness of whom God created me to be in the earth, and to live my divine purpose. I also realize that I must continue to heal, grow and evolve so that my awareness about all things concerning me, and the world around me continues to increase.
What do you need to heal? Are you ready to begin your healing journey? Click the My Healing tab at the top of the page to submit a reservation request to begin your healing journey.
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Abundant blessings, pure light & unconditional love to you forever and always❤️❤️❤️