My Source.

 

Me: Three for The Muppets please…

Box Office: That will be $6.75…

Me: Just the regular movie please…not 3D

Box Office: This movie only plays in 3D

Me: **speechless**

Box Office: M’am, do you want the 3 tickets?

Me: No, thank you.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. I decided to take my children to the $1.00 movie. At the time, I only had $4.00 and some change in my bank account, but I was ok with spending three of those dollars so we could have a little fun. The past few weeks had been rough and I just needed a break, even if that break equated to watching a Disney movie with my children.

I didn’t have $6.00, let alone $5.00. Standing there feeling helpless, my children were looking at me and I was looking at the movie board and the, what seemed like 50 people in line behind us, were looking at me. There was nothing else suitable for us to watch at the time. As hard as it was for me to speak due to my disappointment and upset, I told my children we had to go. As we were walking away from the theatre a little girl came running after us, “Excuse me m’am…” I turn around, “my mom wants to pay for your movie.” I turned back to look, and I see the little girl’s mother motioning for us to come to her. We walked back to the line where her mother was waiting. She said to me as she’s handing me $20.00, “I heard what happened when you were in line and I want to pay for you and your babies to see the movie. I don’t know why they started with this 3D only, but you take those babies to see that movie!” I could barely talk. Tears of gratitude filled my eyes and I thanked her a thousand times within the 3 minutes we were in line together. I was overjoyed by her kindness and demonstration of unconditional love for not only me, but my children too; after all she did not know us.

God is My Source.

My intentional decision to align with my true self all began with my desire to be free so that I could be happy; and it was those two heart desires that led to me making a decision that literally cost me everything I knew as my life!

Why was I willing to give up everything? I was tired of simply existing day-to-day. I hated the woman who looked back at me in the mirror everyday. Her eyes were so sad; she was broken, angry, depressed and lonely. I had no idea who she was and because she looked identical to my reflection in the mirror, I did all I could to present a perfect image of her thriving to the outside world. I became an expert at putting myself together to present a perfect version of who I desired to be on the inside- satisfied, full of joy, thriving and well. In my mind, doing so would eventually cause a permeation of my inner most being, that would take away all the sadness, pain, loneliness and my need to be wanted. I was so wrong! I will never forget the look of desperation in her eyes, because it said to me, deep down somewhere in my soul, I could find and embrace the woman God created me to be.

Early on, I would pacify my emotional pain with expensive gifts and beauty treatments. They did make me feel great for that day and even the next few days that followed, but then, without fail I was back to feeling empty, unloved, lonely, sad, confused and lost. I had a slight understanding of how I got to that place, but I didn’t know how to get out of it, so I thought I had to stay there.

I got to a point where I would literally sit in my room everyday, stare at the white walls and examine my life. I was all in my head, asking myself a thousand questions and wondering “what if” about 10 million more situations and things. The acceptance that I had lost myself was real! I beat myself up about everything I was too weak not to accept. My thoughts would not let me rest, and my anxiety level was at an all time high. I felt like I was going crazy!

I needed help, but I didn’t want to ask anyone, even if it meant asking the few people who were close to me, because I was so intentional about painting this perfect picture of my life for all the world to see. I was too scared to face their judgments, nor did I want to hear their opinions or disappointments about my life.

Emotionally, I had reached rock bottom. I had no desire to live. One day in my time of reflection, I realized I had probably lived almost half of my life already, and I had two choices: I could go on living my life as simply existing or I could make a bold decision to choose me, and in that moment I chose me! My intentional decision to find my happy rested on every ounce of faith I had and for that reason I thought it would instantly manifest my heart’s desires; not understanding God had other plans for me, and those two wants would turn into an entire lesson on His provision.

At that point I understood my heart felt desires had nothing to do with a lack of money, because money couldn’t buy me true freedom or happiness, and even when my income only allowed me to pay my bills and no more, I saw how God always fulfilled His promise to take care of my babies and me. My entire being consumed an emptiness that seemed to fill a bottomless pit. My healing journey to getting out of that unfulfilled place within, showed me that God not only had great plans for my life, but those plans also included provisions for me to be completely whole as well!

Complete wholeness meant that I lacked absolutely nothing in every area of my life, and it was during that time that God began to reveal to me what I was lacking. I also began to understand that it would not be an instantaneous fix; it would take time and patience for me to be completely filled.

With the help of God, working on me meant I had to:

Forgive Myself.

Forgiving others was easy compared to forgiving myself. It was now time for the season to end where I beat myself up daily for having hindsight 20/20 vision in knowing what I should have done in every situation. I understood that I was too weak to fight for me and use my voice for my highest good, and that’s why I allowed so many disrespectful acts to be dealt against me; that only worked to kill the true essence of my spirit. I forgave myself whole-hearted and vowed to move on from the past, and start thriving in the peace of the present.

Knowing who I am starts with a relationship with God.

I grew up in church, but I didn’t know who God was…to me. I didn’t have a relationship with Him. I simply knew of Him thru the experiences of others around me. Aligning with my true self-exactly who God created me to be, meant that I had to have a solid foundation and understanding of who God is because God lives in my heart. Getting to know God for myself was a personal journey to the freedom I desired and earnestly longed for. I began to read a scripture from the bible every day. I made prayer a lifestyle. I put my faith on everything and I began to see God in true form as my father, my provider, my husband, my friend, my comforter, my peace, my joy…my everything!

To know ME is to Love me.

Shedding the vibrations and releasing the attachments that defined everything I was not allowed me see the woman God created me to be. As I released everything and everyone that was not serving my highest good and adding to my life, I began to see myself thru the lens of unconditional love. I saw myself healed and thriving in the fullness of my divine essence. I saw myself evolving into a woman who owned the authenticity of her divine power, and using her voice for good thru the work I was doing to heal with the help of my spiritual team. I was falling in love with my true self!

Have faith in the process.

I was ready and there was nothing or no one big enough or bold enough to convince me to go back to the place I was healing from, because I had enough. My healing showed me my true self and gave me a peek-a-boo to my purpose. Healing was a different kind of pain that I understood was more of a process that made me uncomfortable, because it was taking me out of my comfort zone. Being intentional about my healing meant I had to surrender my will to God’s will for my life and trust Him every step of the way. Even on the days I wanted to give up, I didn’t because I had come to far from where I was and I could see my greater right in front of me rooting me on!!

God truly cares about my every desire.

God’s love is so amazing! I can’t explain it, but He shows me everyday! Every day that God blesses me to wake up and live is a good day; and that does not go to say that each day does not hold its own challenges that I have to work thru. Challenges are designed to help us grow. Finding the gratitude in every moment is what God asks of us. That does not mean, be grateful for the challenge, it simply speaks to the ability to be grateful in the challenge. Gratitude is the gateway to abundance and a grateful heart will only work to move out any and all stony areas resulting in a heart of flesh that freely gives and receives unconditional love.

When that lady paid for our movie tickets, I realized that was a gift from the universe celebrating my progress and intentional work toward becoming completing whole and lacking absolutely nothing within! God truly cares about our every heart’s desire and He promised to give them to us in divine right timing! Over the years, God has proven Himself to be my complete source, time and time again within every aspect of my life. God is my source for everything and it is my sincere prayer that you allow your bold surrender to His will for your life to declare the same, Amen.

Blessings, peace, light and love to you always!

  One thought on “My Source.

  1. Tashawnda
    February 21, 2020 at 3:43 pm

    Love this. You are heaven sent. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

    • February 21, 2020 at 4:23 pm

      Thank you for reading and commenting! I am humbled by your gratitude. You’re most welcome, my pleasure💜

      Like

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