I often used to wonder why ME God?? I am no one special, I’ve experienced a lot of hell, hurt, and disappointment and I’m healing…I’m not qualified for this- at least that’s what I thought in my mind, so why ME?? I remember when God began to show me the why and it was right in the midst of all the hell I was experiencing…
The beginning of a major transition in my life is where and when my ministry was born. I was seeking growth in every area of my life because where I was physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally was a desert, and I felt like I was dying. I was just living day-to-day because that’s what I was programmed to do in order to survive; and living only to survive was quickly getting old. I thirst(ed) for much-needed change, and realized as long as I continued to represent the role of professional woman, wife, mother, friend, and family member everyone thought I should play, I would never reach my goal of peace, love, joy, and fulfillment in life.
I was reaching my breaking point and I knew I had some decisions to make: 1. Give up and die, or 2. Get up, fight, heal, and thrive! There was something in me that wanted to see me win, but the noise from all the chaos in my life was overbearing, and I wanted an easy out so I chose to give up. I had so many enemies that I did not want to face I thought it would be easier to just give up. I did not want to feel any more pain, I was too scared to stand up for myself, and too broken to care, so I asked God to take the breath right out of my body as I slept that night.
Isaiah 55:8 (NLT) reads, “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” Instead of God taking the breath out of my body, He began to show me my enemies by name and fear was at the top of the list, in bright bold capital letters, bleeding down the page, but it was almost like it was invisible…like I could erase it by just speaking a confirming word into the atmosphere and over my life, and then I would begin to see where I desired to be. So I took a step, and God promoted me two…I took another step…and God carried me three…I was getting stronger, I started my healing process through writing, and my desire to thrive in life was emanating from within me!!
I established My Solace Place and started my blog. I started writing and publishing blog posts as God healed me, but shortly after I lost focus, and I allowed the enemy of fear to creep in my thoughts. I began to wonder if I was sharing too much of the mess in my life that my MESSage would not be received the way I intended. I wondered what the people, who would read my blog, would think of me, concerning where I was in life, trying to “start over” at my age, and I got discouraged. Here I was trying to encourage someone else and on the inside I didn’t feel qualified to do the work.
I wanted God to assign me a different purpose in life, one that didn’t require me to live the entire truth of my life-failures, hurts, successes, and break-thrus, in real-time on a public platform. I don’t like people in my business and I love the freedom of being able to control what people know and don’t know about me. So I put My Solace Place on pause, giving myself time to “get ready,” and the more I tried to put my destiny off for a little more time, the more I would think of my goals and vision for My Solace Place. God would give me these amazing revelations about the situations I was going through, and even that of others, and I would sit down and write an entire blog post, and just save it to my laptop…for later. I starting working on another plan that I thought would satisfy my life for “now,” but nothing was moving, opening, or starting for me. I felt like I was entering into another crisis situation, but this time I knew I couldn’t give up, because God had brought me way too far from where I was, and I also knew God had healed the core of my heart because I didn’t want to. I just needed answers to where, what, why, and how from God almighty to get to my happy in life so I could thrive.
Proverbs 8:17 (NLT) reads, “I love all who love me. Those who search will surely find me.” At times I would wonder if God really loved me because I was living, but I wasn’t thriving…and I wasn’t happy. He was sustaining me, but I wasn’t prospering. So I began to pray and seek God for answers, and He showed me, my life wasn’t about me. Everything I experience in life is preparation for my ministry, but I didn’t see my life that way at first. When I go through various tests and trials, I always think I am the only one “in between blessings,” because it seems as though everyone around me is prospering, until I hear their testimony.
God’s answer to me was “Now is the time…” So I lay(ed) ME to rest and took a big leap of faith with the assurance that the “Great I Am” who lives on the inside of me, is divinely leading and guiding my every step. I had to fully accept that my life has been purposed by God for the ministry of helping others, and it is my desire that His will and purpose be fulfilled during my lifetime, because its my destiny, and the only true way I believe I will thrive in life. I know God has a great plan for my life to help women (people), and if His plan involves me sharing parts of my life that I would have otherwise kept to myself, I will do it because my life is not about me.
Galatians 5:16 (HCSB) reads, “I say then, walk by the spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.” Accepting God’s will for my life now was a matter of me putting my will in alignment with God’s divine plan for my life, and allowing my flesh to die to selfish ambition. Many parishioners have made Galatians 5:16 particularly synonymous with fleshly desires of a sexual nature, however that is not the be all to the context of that scripture. Our flesh is directly linked to our God-given free will, and any act that contains the ego of “I want” is a desire of the flesh. My flesh must die daily, to be God’s will for my life; hence the title of this blog post: “i lay(ed) ME to rest.”
I will be the first to admit I am a work in progress. I strive daily to be a living example of God’s love; some days I fail (Thank God for His grace and mercy!), and others I succeed (thank you God for my continued growth). I never want to be a public success and a private failure, because my experience has taught me sharing my testimony with others becomes encouragement for them too! I know I have a lifetime of growth to go, and I am truly grateful our Father God is a patient, gentle, and merciful God who loves me (us) unconditionally!
God Bless YOU!