“Some situations in life will have you feeling like a prisoner in a state penitentiary serving a life sentence on lockdown 24 hours a day.”
I remember the day I posted that thought on Facebook. I felt like I was stuck in a hopeless situation and there was nothing I could do about it, so I put on my pretty during the day, and I cried myself to sleep every night. I remember how far God felt from me, and how much I entertained the thought, “God must not love me.”
I’ve been close to death a few times in my life: once I fell asleep while driving in broad daylight on my way home from work in rush hour traffic on a busy interstate. Another time was when I was in labor preparing to give birth to my first born and my last touch with death was when I was knocked unconscious after being slung around my living room by my former husband, but none of those compared to when I was deep in the darkness of my own mind. I was dying, simply surviving on the negative thoughts, vibes and atmosphere I was grossly immersed in daily. Just writing about it gives me chills!
The mind is so powerful! It can make you believe an illusion is your reality. It can trick you into believing you are powerless and amount to nothing more than what every negative vibe says you are, and when your vibe is that low, you believe it, and not only do you believe it, you own it.
When I think about what took me to that place mentally, I think about ALL the decisions that made me regret I was still alive. I was in my mid twenties, married, with a child and a thriving career with promises for nice advances. I had enough money in the bank to live comfortably, and I was dying inside-spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I hated my life! I hated that I was so unhappy and there was nothing anyone could do about it to help me. I hated that I was married to a man who treated me like he hated the mere thought of my existence. I hated that I felt like I had to hide my real life from everyone close to me. I hated myself for allowing me to be mistreated in the name of love. I hated that God was punishing me after all the prayers I prayed as a little girl under my mother’s direction. Most of all I hated that I couldn’t understand how could this be my life when I have been nothing but good to everyone in my life, and even those around me since I was a little girl. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t have the things money couldn’t buy… peace, love, joy, happiness, security and trust. I just wanted the pain to stop.
When I made a conscious decision to live, I knew I had a lot of healing to do. Forgiving those that hurt me seemed to be the easy part. I have a forgiving heart. There were literally only a few people that took me a little longer to forgive. I couldn’t do it own my own, so I asked God to help me to forgive them so my heart could heal, and my former mentor guided me in doing the work. However, when it came to forgiving myself, I didn’t want to because I felt forgiveness would change me, and I strongly feared the unknown. I never wanted to go back to the situations, relationships and mindset I worked so hard to leave and then heal. In my mind, forgiving myself would keep the door open for me to do just that, so I intentionally skipped that part of my healing.
I was feeling so much better about myself! Reciting my affirmations daily, affirming I am enough, praying for my heart and continuing to do my work to be at peace. All of that worked for a little while, but then I got to the point where I couldn’t seem to get past, my past. Every little thing would trigger my lack of un-forgiveness for myself and I would literally re-live the experience in real time, beating myself up for every little decision I made that seemed to set me back in life.
I was triggered the most by my (former) husband and marriage. Every little thing around me was a trigger. Sitting at the stoplight, being in the grocery store, watching a movie, cooking breakfast, hearing his name… and the list goes on and on! When something I heard, did or felt triggered an experience, I entertained it and re-lived it in real time. I went thru every “what-if” and possibility that outlined how I should have handled the situation, verses allowing him to run over me, and I was angry with myself for tolerating the behavior, abuse and misuse of my heart, soul and body. I thought about every derogatory word he spoke to me that demeaned the pure essence of my existence, and the sad part is I didn’t reject them… I believed every word! My self-esteem seemed to be nonexistent as a result. I found myself awake around the clock because I couldn’t sleep thinking about the trauma I endured, and I didn’t know how to escape that ugly monster that continued to haunt me even after I made the conscious decision to heal.
It was a trick of the enemy.
The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy and the mind is always the target! As long as I believed I didn’t need to forgive myself and continue to heal, I was caught in a destructive cycle of death. I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was and as a result I relinquished my innate power to fight for me. I was tired of being tired- spiritually, emotionally and physically. I asked God to help me. He revealed to me I had more healing work to do and this time it involved forgiving me, and that’s what I did. I stopped living in the trauma of my past decisions and mistakes. I owned they were a vital part of my life’s journey, that was preparation for my purpose and I took a deeper look into my life to understand what I needed to learn from those experiences to heal, move on and evolve. As a result I was able to:
Hone the love within Me.
I gave so much of myself away seeking love that I lost myself. I was so weak and fragile internally that I was willing to do anything, even if it meant ignoring personal boundaries and settling for disrespect and abuse to be “loved.” The moment I understood I was simply attracting to my life what was within me, I promised my heart I would hone the love within me daily. I started thinking about me first, because I realized if I’m not well, I can’t be well for the people who needed me the most, my children, and as long as I was honing the love within me daily thru affirming who God created me to be, honoring my personal boundaries and using my healing tools consistently on a daily basis, EVERYONE would benefit from my overflow. I understood self-love was not selfish; it was necessary for my wellness.
Focus on my “Why” for Existence.
I realized after all the attempts to end my life failed, there had to be a great reason why I was still alive, well and healing. I stopped focusing on the pain of my past and trying to figure out why I made the decisions I did, and I started seeking the why behind the experiences I endured. In my seeking, God began answering me in my dreams and showing me who I was and where I was going. I began to understand there was purpose in my pain, and I wasn’t being punished for some unknown reason. Instead, God was preparing me for YOU! The more I focused on learning the lessons my experiences were sent to teach me, the more I became inspired to remember my divine purpose for existence. I saw more and more how much God absolutely loves me and that love inspired me to align with my purpose thru self-love, and if the only reason I had to live thru those painful experiences was to share the love of God with others then it was all worth it.
Once I shifted my focus from entertaining my pain to forgiving myself, I was able to experience true peace. My peace did not erase my past, it simply allowed me to be still and have a calm that I can’t explain in words… it’s literally something you can only experience. I still had triggers, the difference was I no longer entertained them, I simply allowed them to be and they passed on from my thoughts. In those moments I was made aware of how much I had grown, and I was healing! I realized my heart was turning to flesh again when I was able to pray for those who had hurt me, and send them light and love, when a memory of them or something they did to me was triggered. Being present also allowed me to see how my attractions were changing. I was no longer exuding a heart full of anger, regret and un-forgiveness towards others or myself for that matter, and because I made a conscious decision to live, forgive, heal, align with my divine purpose and thrive, God put His super on my natural, allowing everything in the universe to align with my surrender to His will for my life and match my vibration. I am grateful!
I will never tell you that I’m grateful for the pain of my past or I would do it all over again, because I’m not and I don’t ever want to re-live that hell! I will never forget how I didn’t have the strength to fight for me when I was in so much emotional and mental pain to the point of it killing my spirit and will to live, but I will always be grateful for the experiences and life lessons that helped me with the transformation and renewal of my thoughts, to prepare me for my now.
When I made that Facebook post years ago, I literally felt like I was stuck in a hopeless situation, because I was so consumed with living in the tunnel vision of the pain of my past. Out of my pain was born my ministry, My Solace Place- my place of peace, and it was built on the foundation of Jeremiah 29:11. At my lowest and darkest moments, I did not know God loved me and I definitely didn’t know He had a great plan for my life to give me a future and a hope. My ministry serves me just as much as it does others. In choosing to forgive myself, I am able to enjoy the present moment, be at peace, hone the love within me and live my divine purpose daily… Here i Am!
Are you ready to heal? Start your healing journey now by clicking the “My Healing” tab on my website to be directed to the mentoring sessions I offer. Be sure to follow me on Facebook & Instagram (@mysolaceplace) for daily inspiration and to know about my current promotions and events.
Blessings, light & love to you now and always💜