The day I got married I remember thinking that my life was finally coming together, because I felt marriage was the only goal I desired for my life that had not manifested yet. I had a good job in a career I absolutely loved, money in the bank and a bright future ahead of me, as long as I stayed on track with my goals. At the same time, I remember feeling mixed emotions leading up to that day. I knew I was making a gamble with my joy, that I really didn’t feel was worth it, because I understood I wasn’t strong enough, emotionally, to deal with it.
I have always believed actions speak louder than words. AND sure enough…not even two months into our marriage, I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life when I came home to the side chick he vowed he was “done with and ready to be faithful to me,” voice on our answering machine. Although I knew what I needed to do for me, I didn’t have the courage to go through with it. I was too embarrassed to end our marriage, because I was so concerned about what “they” would say about me, and I didn’t want to be yet another statistic. At that time, keeping my business private was much more important than living my truth, so I stayed.
All the tale-tell signs of “I’m not fit to be your husband” surfaced and presented themselves loud and proud during our 4-year courtship. I ignored every single one of them in hopes of living the life I dreamed of, based on a pile of empty promises I was given to convince me to stay, instead of following my heart to leave. I was surviving…that is the best way I can describe my existence. I was just living life according to the status quo-whatever that is, and I hated every minute of it! I believed in treating others the way I wanted to be treated, so I never violated my marriage vows, disrespected my livelihood or cursed my bloodline or seeds. I also believed I had to stay married, so I did.
I was doing all I knew to do to keep my life blessed, with the appearance of joy on the outside, while I was dying a slow death on the inside. I did not know why because I had no idea how my life got to the point where I wasn’t thriving any more. Everyday I woke up hurting emotionally, and every night I went to sleep praying for a lifeline. My spirit was on a steady decline to the grave. Nothing in my life-physically, emotionally or spiritually was changing, but I knew I needed a lot of help, healing and a strong support system to be with me on my journey.
We reached year 5 in our marriage and I never felt lonelier in my life than during that time. Instead of my marriage vows strengthening the core of our relationship, it seemed to add more pain of rejection, disrespect and dishonor. I had just given birth to our second child, I was turning 30 that year and something in me just wouldn’t let me continue to settle for less than my ultimate purpose in life-whatever it was; and at the same time, that same “something” had me bound. I couldn’t figure out what it was or what I needed to do so I tried to take the easy way out, forsaking my children, my goals…just everything, and I asked God to let me die in my sleep.
That night God showed me myself. I was wandering around the desert of life all alone. My heart was black, my spirit was lifeless and my soul was dry. The sun was somehow providing me with nutrients, and then there was a small body of water I could drink from. I fell asleep with my face buried in the sand. It was the most calming and peaceful sleep I had experienced in years! When I awoke, I was seated in the sand, wearing sackcloth and my face was covered with ashes. Suddenly my face was being wiped clean with a white cloth, and I just knew the hand of God was doing it. With every wipe, the complexion of my skin became clearer and brighter. The burdens of un-forgiveness, shame, embarrassment, pain and discontentment began to dissipate, and I could feel peace, love, comfort and joy filling my entire being. At that moment, I knew God was cleansing me from the inside out, healing my spirit, heart and mind; and restoring my joy to not only live again, but also thrive!
Psalm 30:11 shares, “You turned my mourning into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.” In the bible, sackcloth was worn during times of mourning, defeat or when the onset of the coming to the end of oneself was imminent. I was in a season of my life where I felt so alone, and my life wasn’t prospering in any area-spiritually, emotionally or physically. I was in so much pain and turmoil internally, and because I lacked the self-confidence to make the necessary changes to live, I thought death was my only option to end my suffering. I truly thank God for loving me enough to show me otherwise!
That day my healing began. As the days, weeks, months and years passed my heart began to heal, my thought pattern changed from lack to abundance, and I began to see myself as God sees me-whole, healed and thriving in life; full of love, bursting with joy and living peacefully! I no longer saw the end of my life, but the beginning of a new chapter that is being written daily. I also began to delight myself in the Lord, and my desires began to manifest (Psalm 37:4). God began to show me who I am in His Kingdom and revealed the great plans He has for my life. “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).
The loneliest place in the world for me was in my own heart, mind and spirit. It was the place God allowed me to go, to get my full attention, to heal me completely, equip me for my purpose and fill me with more of Him and less of me. I am a constant work in progress. God is molding me into the powerful woman He has predestined me to be for the purpose of edifying His people, ministering His healing virtue to the world, and inspiring others to live their purpose in order to fulfill their destiny during their lifetime. When I noticed my marriage was broken, that was the last straw for me. My joy was incomplete, my peace was nonexistent and I wasn’t prospering; at that point I was simply surviving. I hit my lonely place, and it was there that God rescued me.
I don’t know where your “lonely place” began or currently resides, but I encourage you not only to live, but also thrive! I encourage you to forgive daily and allow God to turn those stony parts of your heart to flesh, so that the core of your spirit, mind, heart, soul and body may heal. I pray this post blesses you in a way that inspires you to make the necessary changes to be whole, be healed, be love and thrive! I speak life to you now and command your spirit to live. Amen.
Much light, love, peace and blessings to you now and forever more!